Training your employer.
You have probably heard it said that every time you ride a horse you are training that horse for better or for worse. A similar thing can be said about your relationship with your employer. Every time you interact with your employer, you are training your employer about what you will put up with, and what you will not allow. Every time you and your employer relate to each other you are establishing or affirming boundaries in the relationship. The most important boundaries are established early in any relationship. If you have been working for someone for several weeks or months, you have already established most of your boundaries. In effect you have trained your employer to understand what you will put up with and what you wont. Your employer has also trained you about his or her boundaries.
If you find yourself in a situation where you are being mistreated and the situation has been going on for a while, you have been allowing the situation and change will not happen overnight. If you have trained your employer one way, you cannot suddenly get up one morning and demand that your employer treat you differently. If you try that, you may lose your job. Horses are the same way. You can’t spend weeks training a horse to be a Cutting horse and get up one morning, march into the horse’s stall, and demand that he suddenly become a Reining horse. Training horses does not work that way, and human relationships don’t change that way either.
If you find yourself in a relationship that needs changing, start with careful observation. Watch the relationship as if you are a third party observer. Be sure your view of how you are being treated is correct. Is there anything that you have said or done that might be causing the treatment you are receiving? If you are sure the treatment is unjustified, look for opportunities to “test the water for change.” Ask your employer a question or ask for help with a task. Pick a question or task that you think will not be threatening to your employer. Remember, that people who treat other people badly can usually be put on the defensive very easily. Don’t push, goad, or try to change your employer.
Your goal should be to test the water with a question or task that will NOT put your employer on the defensive. For example, you might say to your employer, “Tomorrow is my day off. Is there anything I can do for you today that will help things run more smoothly tomorrow when I won’t be here.” Or, “I’m really tired this evening, and I may go to bed early. Is there anything I can do for you before I go home, so that you won’t have to wake me up later?” Or, “I haven’t had much time to ride recently, and I am afraid my riding skills are slipping. Do you have a minute when you could watch me ride and tell me what you think?” All of these should be non-threatening questions that will give your employer a chance to relate to you. If you get answers like “I can’t think of anything right now, just be sure to tell me where you are going so I can get in touch with you.” Or, “why are you so tired? Can’t you handle the work?” Or, “I don’t have time for that.” you should conclude that change in your relationship is probably not going to happen easily. If you get answers like, “I can’t think of anything, but thanks for asking.” Or, “of course, I know you have had a long day, I won’t disturb you.” Or, “sure, saddle up your horse after work and give me a call,” you are well on your way to change in your relationship.
If your test went well, try another test. This time be a LITTLE more direct about your needs while still trying to acknowledge the needs of your employer. If you are sensing resistance or defensiveness, back off and consider trying again in a few days. If things go well, start watching for opportunities to create new boundaries in the relationship. You could say things like: “You know, I know I’ve always done that without saying anything, but it really bothers me. I’m sorry I haven’t said anything about it before this. Is there anything we can do to change that?” Always remember, if you move too quickly or forcefully in changing your relationship, you may have a fight on your hands. Horse training is best done in slow incremental stages and so is human relationship building.
Getting everyone on the same page starts with a complete written job description.
